Selecting a Mate

The simple word "marriage" can bring forth many different emotions in people. For some, the thought of marriage may bring feelings of joy, for others it may be panic or hesitation. Why are our responses to marriage so different? How does one even start to find a partner? How do you know if they are "the one?"

Many of the questions above are typical for people to ask. We also see many people trying to find a partner. In our day and age we have lost the idea of "going on dates" and adopted the idea of "casual dating." As time has gone by, we have lost the definition of a date. A date is supposed to be a time where individuals get to know each other with the intention of finding a mate. Currently, we see individuals asking to "hang out." This has resulted in a generation of casual dating. We can even go further to see a link between this and the common theme of cohabitation rather than marriage. Casual dates do not allow individuals to truly get to know one another and see if they are compatible.

To fix this trend, we need to edge away from the casual dates and rather plan an activity where you will have an opportunity to talk to, have fun with, and get to know the other individual. When you are trying to select a mate, you need to have some dates where it is just the two of you. This will allow room for communication. During this time you can express your interests, what you want your future career to look like, your goals, your dreams, and your ideas of your futures. This will allow you to truly bond with the other individual and actually see if this is someone you can see yourself sharing a future with. Some examples may include:

• Pumpkin Carving 
• Berry Picking 
• Walking Dog 
• A walk in the Park 
• Zoo Trip 
• Horseback Riding 
• Sunset Watching
• Drive-in-Movie Theatre
• Mud Hike & Fight
• Concert 
• Laser Tag
• Feeding Seagulls 
• Trampoline Park
• Spa Day
• Bonfire w/ Smore's 
• Pool Day

All of these examples above allow you to have fun while also getting to know each other in the process. In class, we also discussed the idea of the RAM Model. The RAM Model is the relationship attachment model. In describes the way in which you should come to know someone. It helps to make relationships successful. The order goes as such: know, trust, rely, commit, and then touch. Once you get to know someone, you can begin to trust them then rely on them, and then commit to one another. You then can improve your relationship and strengthen it through touch. It is a proven fact that the more often and intimately you touch, the more you become attached. This theory helps us understand why so many relationships now don't work out in the future (divorce rates increasing). In our generation, it is normal to have the touch part of the RAM model before we come to know, trust, rely, and commit to someone. This makes it difficult to let go of that person if you come to find out they're not compatible with you in the future. The best way to make a relationship work is to first get to know the person and then work your way down the steps outlined in the RAM model. Once you know that the other individual is right for you, then you can share the closeness and touch that comes with showing affection. 

The most important thing to keep in mind while moving forward in your dating life is this: ensure your dates are not "casual" but rather meaningful, plan something that will allow for conversation, and simply get to know the other person (what makes them tick, what their hobbies are, what they want their future to look like, etc.). Also keep in mind that you may not find your "prince in shining armor" right away. Don't settle.